Julian Draxler to Arsenal, Leandro Damiao to Tottenham… Some transfer sagas went on for so long before ultimately going unfulfilled that we’ve almost been Mandela effected into remembering they actually happened.
But what about the transfers that never had much gossip but should have happened? The players that would’ve been a perfect fit at a certain club at a certain time.
We’ve identified seven transfers, based almost entirely on a complex vibes-based algorithm, that definitely should have taken place.
Edinson Cavani to Atletico Madrid
We nabbed this shout from Twitter. It was so spot on it inspired us to put together this whole piece.
No club in the 21st century can compete with Atleti when it comes to boasting quality strikers – Sergio Aguero, Fernando Torres, Diego Forlan, Radamel Falcao, David Villa, Luis Suarez and Diego Costa to name but a few.
Surprisingly enough, Cavani has outscored them all in the major European leagues since the year 2000. A devilishly handsome South American that works his b*llocks off and offers a physical focal point? Diego Simeone would’ve loved him.
Mamadou Sakho to Newcastle United
No fewer than five members of France’s 2014 World Cup squad played for the Magpies at one point or another.
It was during that era that Graham Carr – Alan’s dad, don’t you know – was central to bringing the likes of Hatem Ben Arfa, Yohan Cabaye and Sylvain Marveaux to Tyneside.
Another member of Didier Deschamps’ Les Bleus squad in Brazil that you could so easily imagine in black and white stripes was Sakho, who instead joined Liverpool from PSG back in 2013.
You can just picture an exasperated Alan Pardew on the touchline shaking his head at one of the centre-back’s frequent moments of madness. That erratic chaos would’ve seen him fit in nicely at St. James’ Park.
Ritchie De Laet to Sunderland
John O’Shea, Jonny Evans, Wes Brown… Sunderland used to love an ageing, still serviceable Manchester United cast-off.
At the other end of the scale, there were the youngsters who probably didn’t quite factor into Fergie’s plans. Yer Phil Bardsleys, yer Fraizer Campbells.
There’s an alternative dimension in which one-time perennial loanee De Laet fit into that group. A £1million addition back in 2011, Steve Bruce telling the local reporters he “adds that bit of extra quality we need” only for him to sit on the bench all year.
In our reality, De Laet earned his journeymen stripes at Stoke, Wrexham, Sheffield United, Preston, Portsmouth, Norwich, Leicester, Middlesbrough and Aston Villa but somehow never Sunderland.
Zoran Tosic to Everton
If Sunderland were rifling through Manchester United’s bargain bin in the noughties and 2010s, Everton went a bit more upmarket. Or so they liked to think. Morgan Schneiderlin, Louis Saha, Tim Howard, Phil Neville.
It’s easy to imagine former Serbia stalwart Tosic joining that club after his work permit-related woes at Old Trafford.
He quietly departed for CSKA Moscow in 2010 but might just as easily have signed for that weirdly vibeless late Moyes Everton side, joining an array of alright-ish but ultimately underwhelming Goodison wingers.
Jamie O’Hara to Queens Park Rangers
QPR’s relegation-hit squads of 2013 and 2015 were almost exclusively comprised of the kind of English “solid professionals” that proper football men love alongside a hodge-podge of continental glamour.
Those accused by the same proper football men of “looking for a payday” who could just as easily have been playing out in Turkey or – en vogue at the time – China.
O’Hara could have firmly fit into the former camp, signed – of course – by Harry Redknapp. He’d have dined out for years on talkSPORT with tales of being in that dressing room.
QUIZ: Can you name Harry Redknapp’s 30 most-used players in the Premier League?
Andre Silva to Wolves
This one speaks for itself, surely?
That sound we hear is you clicking onto Wikipedia to make sure Silva definitely didn’t spend a forgettable half-season at Molineux during lockdown.
Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang to Galatasaray*
*or any other Turkish Super Lig club.
Everything about Aubameyang in 2024 screams Turkish Super Lig. Hundreds of goals for some of Europe’s top clubs. Thirty-five years of age. Clearly on the downslope but still capable of doing a job, as 17 goals in 34 Ligue 1 appearances for Marseille last term demonstrated.
Had the Saudi Pro League not emerged as the new destination du jour for veteran stars, Aubameyang would surely have joined one of Turkey’s big three in the summer.
